I just want to cry
To let all of it out from the inside
I want these feelings to go away
I want not to have to live with them every fucking day
I want the urges and desires to simply fade
I want to be pretty, when I look in the mirror I want to see beauty
And not just from these scars
I want someone to love me, truly
But more than that I want to love myself
Though I feel that will never happen when I’m still so deep in hell
They see my face, they see that new smile
They think I’m okay, and maybe I was for a little while
But it never lasts, you know it can never last
Not when it keeps holding on with such a firm grasp
I want to feel something other than pain
But you know I’ll take it anyways
I’ll cry, I’ll bleed, I’ll hurt, I’ll cut
And in the end it still wont be enough…

-Cidney RaNell

X♥X♥O

Good morning, Zoloft
Thanks to you I made it through the night
But a sadness still drips through me as I swallow you now
Because I know I’ll see the world in a different light
Just a little apathetic and where I used to see beauty in everything
Now, I just see the reality
Sure, I don’t have as many fits and I don’t live in the shadows
Though, sometimes I still see the darkness
I suppose I’ll continue to take you, at least for now
But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it all somehow
Maybe that’s part of this fucked up disease
Because deep down we all love being crazy
Oh, Zoloft, I wish you made it all easy
But, I just don’t know what’s worse
Being sad, or being artificially happy.

-Cidney RaNell

poetdreamer:

You understand what it is to be a cutter.

You understand that it’s not for attention.

You understand that it’s a release.

You understand that the aim isn’t death.

You understand that feeling pain is easier than feeling numb or broken.

You understand that emotions can choke you.

Reblog if you’re not:

disgusted, horrified or look down on cutters…

Reblog if you really, truly, understand.

Recovering self injurer….

Happiness is coming, its just an arms length away
I’ve waited and waited and I have to say
Never in a million years did I think I’d see this day
But now I have such hope, its hard to contain
There’s a twinkle in my eye and a smile upon face
I’m not so naive to think that the sadness will just fade
Every now and again I know she’ll cling and beg to stay
But little by little, I think I’ll be okay.

-Cidney RaNell.

X♥X♥O

kylerichards:

Who the fuck am I trying to kid? I can’t write anything anymore.

I haven’t written anything in what seems an eternity
And so far I can only think that I have lost my creativity
No longer can I write of love, my hopes or dreams
Here lately they are unreal to me
I cannot write decent prose and especially not poetry
Of things that I do not hold passionately
And therein I have lost my ability
To form these words around anything
Just like now, I am writing about nothing
Sure, there is form and even a bit of rhyming
But we all know this isn’t really writing.

-Cidney RaNell.

X♥X♥O

boyafraid:

As a writer, it saddens me it is even possible, that when you are counting on it, really counting on it, you can’t write. For the times between a grand sentence and none at all share the same distance between Heaven and Hell.

I can feel it, I’m on the verge of my dreams coming true
I’m on the verge of doing the right thing, what I’m supposed to do
I’m on the verge of becoming a better person
I’m on the verge of exploding
Just like a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly
I’m on the verge of falling in love with life
I’m on the verge of learning how to survive
I’m on the verge of being okay
I’m on the verge of praying for a new day, instead of the end
I’m the verge of beginning again
I’m on the verge of a rebirth
And I just cant wait, I can feel it, I’m on the verge.

-Cidney RaNell.

Its so deep it doesn’t seem to be bleeding
A trickle of fear runs deep within me
But as I see those layers of skin that are receding
I know this is the relief I’ve been needing
This time isn’t quite like before, my skin wont go back together
Am I going to need stitches, for the first time ever?
The blood is now coming, slowly its pouring
From one wound to another, now they’re all covered
Now as it flows and drips I cant think of a single thing
And the numbness is so comforting
I know that soon reality will come crashing
So for this moment I just keep going
Another, another, another, maybe just one more
Of no other thing have I ever been this sure
Guaranteed peace with each little sting
For what seems like a lifetime there is no anxiety
Deeply, freely I can breathe
I know in a moment I’ll need to cease
Its closer and closer to the ending
My peace, my sanctity will die the moment it no longer bleeds
So I unpack my things and wrap my beauties carefully
In a couple of days they wont be so pretty
But soon the scabs will fall away and I’ll be left with a masterpiece
For now, though, I say goodbye and begin covering
They will remain here in this special place for an eternity
I focus on this as I wash the blood from my hands
As I exit the room I know the pain will begin
As surely as I know it will stay with me
Until I enter this sanctuary once again.

-Cidney RaNell.

XXO

Just fucking kill me, paint the walls with my blood so you can remember me. But, I guess you wouldn’t do that, would you? It may look bad in this pretty little house of yours. It may give the wrong impression, it may show everyone that you’re not quite perfect, and neither is your little girl. I guess you’re ashamed, embarrassed by this fucked up image, as you call it, that I have assumed. What, do I remind you too much of your Mother? Too much like that woman that you secretly hated your whole life, or no, I guess I just remind you too much of yourself. You see in me all the things you’ve corrected, transformed in your life. You see I’m not like you, in the sense that I wont run from my problems, you see that I accept who and what I am, that I am not ashamed of the fucked up image, that I gladly accept my role in society not giving a fuck about what others think of me. But you, oh you, all you do is worry that you’ll look bad, that I’ll ruin your perfect, Christian persona. But, do you wanna know what I think? I think you’re a hypocrite, you’re a sad, scared little girl running from her demons, putting all her faith in a God that stopped giving a fuck a long, long time ago.

If you asked me if I’d do it all again, if I’d go through the rib splitting, heart wrenching, spine crushing pain of losing you, of having you give up on me, I’d say “In a heartbeat”. Because every look of lust, every touch of passion, every word of love was worth the world. For all that time I never felt so wanted, so needed, so completed. I never knew a human being could feel such happiness, such pleasure, such satisfaction. I never dreamed that loving another person could make me love myself, I never expected to be able to look in a mirror without detesting the reflection, to sing without fearing my voice to crack, to write without the possibility of sounding a fool, you gave all that to me. So, even now that its over, even now that I cant even find happiness or peace in my dreams, when I am awake I can at least remember. I can reminisce of the times you made feel like the most important girl in the world, I can feel your arms wrap around me, I can even remember the whispers of forever. And, so, if you asked me if I’d do it all again, for as long as I live, I’ll always say “In a heartbeat”.

I went out and bought my favorite band’s new album. Their music is what first inspired me to really branch into a different realm of sound, their lyrics are what first told me it was okay to experience the emotions I was so unfamiliar with. So many times I would be feeling alone, depressed, even suicidal and I would turn up one of their songs and everything would feel okay, if just for a moment. They sang the words I couldn’t speak aloud, they translated my very emotions into something beautiful and wonderful. I still listen to their old music from well over five years ago and recollect my exact emotions when I first heard it. I still get pathetically warm and fuzzy when I think of how they revolutionized the way I the heard and even hear music today. However, their new album fails to hit those buttons they so specially pressed within me, it fails to inspire, to speak to me. And, now, I cant help but wonder, did they change or have I? Am I just not listening the way I once did, have my tastes changed so drastically? Or have they simply developed a new sound within themselves? I don’t hold any grudges against them, I’m not running out to tell everyone they sound like shit, I will now and forever remain loyal to them, because for now and forever they have still molded a part of me in ways I couldn’t do by myself. But, it doesn’t fail to sting as I listen to the new words and sounds they have compiled and with every beat it doesn’t fail to break my heart, because I cant help but to feel as if I have lost my very best friend in the world.

Do you believe in soulmates? Do you think that maybe, just maybe everyone has someone made especially for them, someone that is so individually perfect it had to be something magical? I used to, oh I’d sit around and dream of the day he came for me. In my mind he was some kind of perfection that would make me perfect too. He would save me from my sickest thoughts, from my most tragic actions, he would bring me beautiful sanity. Not the kind that makes you boring and plain, or empty and yearning, but the kind that makes you happy to be who you are, the kind of sanity that lets you sleep peacefully. Most of all, he would bring me love, a kind of love I had needed for so long. I had all my cards in that basket, just knowing he was coming, I even prayed for him when he was late. But, I don’t believe in soulmates anymore, because he never came. So, you know what I think? I think its our way of comforting ourselves, it’s the way we keep faith that someday the perfect one is going to come for us, is going to find us and save us from our loneliness. But the truth is, the truth is no one can save us. No one can save me